Keegan Cassady

Theatre Professional

Their Eyes Were Watching Dog


Having run afoul of public opinion, the international society of meteorologists (ISM) has decided to start using popular pet names.

“We figured it would avoid controversy,” said ISM head, Gene Ianesco.

This new choice has sparked immediate controversy, especially within ISM.

“Names that once sounded deadly will now instead sound kind of compensatory,” said P. Darlinquest, head nomenclator for ISM, who was opposed to the change from the start, thank you very much.

“Hurricanes like ‘Killer’ and ‘Destroyer of Worlds’ will obviously be associated with smaller hurricanes that make more noise and dampen the rug. However, gentler, calmer names like ‘Fluffy,’ ‘Pumpkin,’ and ‘Cuddles’ will likely be met with great fear, crossing the street, and vinegar spray.

Local pet owner bloggers have recently taken issue with Darlinquest’s comment.

“That is absolutely outrageous,” claims blogger dogluver1555. “As the owner of several pets, and a prominent member of the pet owning community, I can assure you that pet owners by and large lack a sense of irony.”

Dogluver1555 is known for his intense allergy to dog fur.

“Furthermore, claims like that don’t take into account simple descriptor names, like “frisky,” “furry,” “red,” or “dog.”

In response to these comments, Harvard p.h.D candidates Marco Salisbury and Paulo Stake conducted a rapid big data analysis to find a proper regression model.

“It took a ton of red bull and a couple cases of beer,” Stake said, “but we got some pretty conclusive evidence.”

Salisbury revealed a model at 12:15am to the Internet, showing a graph that only upper level academics could understand.

“It’s actually very simple, and thoroughly damning,” Salisbury claimed.

“Pet names like Fluffy, Sparky, or Nibbles were far less deadly than names like He Who Must Not Be Named or Harbinger.” Salisbury stated, jittering a little.

As this was a Harvard study, PhDs from other Ivy leagues quickly posted another 32 studies attempting to disprove its validity.

However, after intense all-night research, the host of slapdash studies found curiously conclusive evidence:

It turns out that psychologically, people do have an inbuilt sense of irony, especially when naming pets.

To this, dogluver1555 simply tweeted, “I don’t ):/”

Ironically enough, this naming system has guaranteed that in fact, unless pet naming culture changes, future hurricane names, unlike pet names, will no longer be ironic.

This was a response to the following post on hurricanes:

http://m.washingtonpost.com/blogs/capital-weather-gang/wp/2014/06/02/female-named-hurricanes-kill-more-than-male-because-people-dont-respect-them-study-finds/

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